“The End” — Star Wars ends with a whimper

This is about Star Wars “The End” (Episode IX, The Rise of Skywalker)… which allegedly finishes a story that began in 1977.

I saw it “today,” where today is Dec 27, 2019, when I wrote the rest of this post. Yes, I’m posting a review of the latest Star Wars film months late. Despite being a machine, I have clearly not mastered timely posting on this blog, which is perpetually neglected but never abandoned, dammit. I will not yield! There are four lights!

Obviously Part the Ninth was really wucking feak. Many MacGuffins, deus ex machinas everywhere, dizzying reversals. Characters are “killed” and “all hope is lost,” only to be resurrected/restored a few seconds or minutes later.

By half an hour into the movie, you’ve already been taught that nothing matters.

There was so much “fan service” that I was feeling raw by the time I left the theatre. I didn’t need that many reminders that we were watching An Important and Beloved Franchise. Man, they really laid it on with a trowel.

Extravagantly implausible events have always been a normal and acceptable part of Star Wars. It has always been, and it was always meant to be, hyperbolic and epic, more legend than story, and I’ve defended Star Warsian excesses from many critics over the years. But I have my limit, and this film nuked my limit from orbit, just to be sure. Many things happen that are just too absurd and inconsistent. It was a confusing mess.

Which continues the tradition of the franchise! Everything since Jedi has been a mess, and the concluding trio of films is particularly opaque. What happened to Luke, Han, Leia and the rest after Return of Jedi? I can’t remember much, and what I can remember I don’t much give a 🤬 about. The patricide of Han Solo is probably the only really vivid plot point since the Ewoks sang “yub nub.” Everything else since then has been a bit muddled and tame.

For me, Star Wars ended with Return of the Jedi in 1983.